J U I C E

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Have you ever gotten into a pattern of binge drinking and late nighting pizza for four years straight? Of course you have because in college after 5 p.m. on Tuesday, all bets are off for the rest of the week when it comes to getting a cocktail invite or darty plans being made.

While college was, in essence, a 4-year-long rager that I look back on very fondly, all of those Thirsty Thursdays really took a major toll on both my physical and mental health. Here's what an average week looked like during school:

Monday: Typically tired AF from the weekend.

Tuesday: This is the day I'd feel my best, but then we'd typically go out.

Wednesday: Hungover day. Lucky to make it to class.

Thursday: Normal during the day. Always went out at night.

Friday: Most hungover day of the week. Bed by 10 p.m. thinking about how "I will never drink again."

Narrator: She would, in fact, drink again.

Saturday: Mimosas at 10 a.m. before a darty, football tailgate, etc.

Sunday: Scaries! Lay around all day binging Netflix. Chocolate milk and bagel in the morning, Chinese for dinner.

Start all over again on Monday. Brutal cycle.

I embarked on a juice cleanse in an effort to totally detoxify my body after these four years of hardcore toxin building as part of my real-world/post-grad healthy (or healthiER) lifestyle. I was also curious if I could miraculously become a skinny biatch in 48 hours. So here’s my honest rundown of how it went.

I decided on a 2-day cleanse which consisted of six juices per day as well as a shot I was instructed to knock back first thing both mornings.

On Day 1, I felt surprisingly normal and energized all day until 5:30 p.m. rolled around and I thought I’d actually rather die than continue this torture I’d inflicted on myself. I was so hungry and extremely dissatisfied with only consuming liquids all day— I’m definitely a person that needs crunch and I swear my jaw was telling me it was bored. Around 8 p.m. I had a giggle fit out of pure delirium due to lack of food, and I went to bed 30 minutes later thanks to a mix of melatonin and pure exhaustion.

I was surprised on Day 2 when I woke up with tons of energy, feeling light and bouncy. However, suffering with PTSD from the afternoon prior, I attempted to sell my second day of juices to my dad for $10. Despite this insane bargain and fantastic opp for some DLF prep, it was a no-go from Keith, and I was forced to continue on with the second 24-hour block of torture. All morning and into the afternoon I felt like a star, but once I hit 5 p.m., it was like a Mack truck had hit me once again and I was worthless for the rest of the day. And by "the rest of the day" I mean for the following two hours because I went to bed at 7:30 p.m. that night and slept 'til 7:30 a.m. the next day.

I woke up after my 2-day cleanse feeling super skinny, NGL. I lost 5lbs total, but it was definitely just water weight seeing as I’ve gained most of that back just a week later. I think I actually would’ve perished had I tried to do a third day. However, I’ve noticed that I’m getting fuller faster when eating, which is a plus. Also, it did give me the excuse to have some alone time that I wouldn’t have otherwise had.

All of that being said, I will never ever do a juice cleanse again. I was such a raging bitch both days after 5 p.m. and I totally thought about food way more often than I normally do (which is saying something)! For me, it was a short-term weight loss crash diet that came at an expensive price for some very sugary drinks that truth be told, were not that good. Kale in anything still tastes like kale and some of the juices tasted like straight up lettuce water.

All in all, I didn’t hate it, but it’s safe to say I will naht be dropping $100+ on a cleanse ever again. I think if it works for you, then that’s awesome and I seriously commend you and your MLF-y ways. But for me, I prefer to work these juiced greens into my everyday routine rather than all at once.

I would love to hear anyone and everyone else’s thoughts on juice cleanses that they’ve done!

Xx,

M.L.F.